How Can I Get My Husband To Go To Couples Therapy?
Use Attachment Wisdom and Mindful Communication to Create Safety and Invite Change
You want to feel closer. He just wants to avoid feeling the shame of being seen as having done something“wrong”.
You bring up couples counseling…
He goes quiet.
He changes the subject.
Or he says, “I don’t need any of that.”
Sound familiar?
If your longing for deeper connection is met with resistance or retreat, you’re not alone. Many women reach out from a place of love, only to feel met with distance or defensiveness.
It’s painful. It’s confusing. And it can create a discouraging cycle—one partner reaches out, while the other pulls away.
But this isn’t a character flaw. It’s the nervous system doing what it’s learned to do. This is attachment in action.
And there is a gentler, more effective way forward.
By understanding your own attachment needs—and his—you can create space for a calmer, more connected conversation. One that opens the door to healing, rather than deepening the divide.
Why He Might Be Resistant
Hint: It’s Not Actually About “Therapy
In Secure Love, author and therapist Julie Menanno shares a powerful insight: most people don’t avoid therapy because they don’t care. They avoid it because it feels emotionally risky and scary.
This is especially true for men with more avoidant or self-reliant attachment styles—those who were taught that talking about feelings is unsafe or weak. For them, the idea of sitting in a room to talk about emotions can feel like walking into a lion’s den where they may not be able to remain in emotional control (and thus can be embarrassing).
They’re not avoiding you. They’re avoiding the shame of feeling “not enough,” the fear of being judged, the discomfort of not having emotional language.
Common reasons men may resist therapy:
Fear of being blamed or ganged up on
Belief that therapy is only for “broken” couples
Lack of emotional tools or vocabulary
Grew up in a home where emotions were minimized or ignored
Fear of being flooded by emotion with no clear way out
Concern it will feel like your last argument—with a therapist as referee
This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. But it does mean that the invitation needs to feel emotionally safe—for both of you.
Step 1: Pause and Regulate Before You Speak
Before you bring up counseling, take a mindful pause.
Notice your breath. Check in with your body. Are you grounded and connected to your softer emotions? Or are you bracing, anxious, or already expecting rejection?
Ask yourself:
“Am I trying to control—or connect?”
Control creates pressure. Connection opens hearts.
The energy you bring will shape how your message lands.
Step 2: Speak From the Heart, Not From Hurt
Instead of leading with criticism (“You never listen,” “You always shut down”), try speaking from your core emotional truth.
What are you longing for?
Try:
“I love you, and I miss feeling close to you.”
“I feel alone when we can’t talk about what’s going on between us.”
“I know we both want this to work. I believe we could use some support to help us get there.”
This isn’t manipulation. This is mindful vulnerability—offering a safe window into your world and inviting him to step into it
Step 3: Extend an Invitation, Not an Ultimatum
Rather than framing therapy as a last resort, position it as an opportunity to grow together:
“Would you be open to speaking with someone together? I think it could help us reconnect.”
“I’m not trying to fix you—I want us both to feel stronger and more supported.”
“Can we try just one session, no pressure, and see how it feels?”
“This relationship matters to me. I want to learn how to show up for you in the best way I can—and I think a little guidance could really help.”
If the word therapy feels heavy, try relationship coaching or couples support.
Sample Scripts for Common Concerns
If He’s Resistant to Counseling in General:
“I understand why therapy might feel uncomfortable. No one wants to feel blamed or ambushed. But honestly, what we’re doing now doesn’t feel good either. I feel disconnected, and that’s hard.”
If He’s Afraid of Getting Triggered:
“I get that talking about feelings can be scary or overwhelming. But the truth is, I already feel overwhelmed—by how far apart we feel. I don’t want to keep going like this. Getting support feels like a risk worth taking.”
If He’s Concerned About Time or Cost:
“You’re right—it’s an investment of time and money. And I know you’re trying to protect us from extra stress. But I’m worried about where we’re headed. This is important to me. We are worth it.”
If You Need Therapy to Stay in the Relationship:
“I’m not okay with how things are. I want us to get help. And if that’s not something you’re open to, I don’t know if I can keep going like this. I want a relationship that feels safe, supportive, and emotionally connected—for both of us.”
If he’s still hesitant, slow it down.
Ask: “What’s the hardest part of this idea for you?”
Then listen with curiosity—not correction.
Step 4: Normalize Support—Especially for Men
Many men grow up hearing that asking for help means weakness. Gently challenge that narrative.
Try:
“Therapy is like going to the gym—but for our relationship.”
“The strongest couples I know are the ones who are willing to grow together.”
“Most couples wait six years before asking for help. I don’t want us to wait until things are unrepairable.”
Step 5: Just Start Somewhere
If the idea of ongoing therapy feels too big, start small:
“Could we try just one session? There’s no pressure to continue unless it feels helpful.”
Sometimes one safe experience is all it takes to soften resistance.
Final Thought: This Isn’t About Convincing Him—It’s About Planting The Seed Of An Idea
Attachment theory reminds us: beneath every outburst, every retreat, every shutdown… there’s a longing for connection and safety.
When you lead with emotional presence and compassion, you lower defenses.
When you speak to fear instead of trying to fix, you invite closeness.
When you both feel supported—not blamed—change becomes possible.
Ready to Reconnect?
If you’re tired of walking on eggshells, stuck in old patterns, or just feeling miles apart emotionally… we can help.
We offer a unique, co-facilitated model that blends individual healing with couples work:
Dr. John Schinnerer works individually with the man
Joree Rose, LMFT works individually with the woman
Then we come together for the couples sessions
This way, both partners feel seen, heard, and supported.
No one gets ganged up on. Everyone has a voice.
You’ll begin to see the deeper patterns—not just the surface-level fights.
Because here’s the truth:
Most relationship challenges didn’t start in your relationship.
They started in your earliest emotional blueprints.
That’s why we combine individual and relational work—so you can heal together, from the inside out.
Don’t Wait for a Breakdown.
Start Building the Breakthrough.
Email us today:
John at GuideToSelf.com
Joree at Comcast.net
Because love isn’t just about staying together.
It’s about feeling safe, connected, and truly seen. And you both deserve that.
Wanna Climb Higher Up The Happiness Hill ? Here’s Where To Begin Your Ascent:
For info on Dr. John’s Ultimate Online Anger Management Class (which has over 20,000 graduates!), visit his High Performer Shop
Top tools for emotional mastery and high tech execs from the best executive coach in Silicon Valley:
The best podcast for relationships and those who want to create a happier, safer love life:
For the tremendous work Dr. John & Joree are doing in couples counseling, visit their top couples counseling site:
️ Top 10 Podcast for Men looking to evolve with greater communication skills, grit, mental toughness and happiness:
Joree’s expert work on mindfulness, therapy & transformation (aka, the best therapist for women near you):
For more info on the superb counseling Joree is doing with women who don’t want the next 20 years to be like the last 20, visit her site at
MindfulnessAndTherapyCenter.com
The top 10 podcast for women over 40:
️ Journey Forward with Joree Rose Podcast
#loveisntenough #relationshipadvice #loveandrelationships #relationshiptips #relationshippodcast #relationshiptools #relationshipgoals #marriage #marriageadvice #marriedlifetips #marriedgoals #marriagetips #couplestherapy #couplegoal