A love letter from an avoidantly attached man to his partner…
My Dearest Love:
There are things I should have said long ago—things that have lived in the silence between us, in the spaces where my distance made you question your worth, and where your pursuit made me question my safety.
Top couples counselors in the San Francisco Bay Area – Dr. John Schinnerer & Joree Rose, LMFT
I want to start by saying this: I love you. I care for you deeply. And yet, I know that hasn’t always felt true to you. I’ve seen it in your eyes—the ache of not knowing where you stand with me, the longing for closeness that I’ve too often met with silence or withdrawal. I want you to know it was never because of you.
The truth is, closeness has always felt complicated to me. Not because I don’t want it—but because somewhere along the way, I learned to associate emotional intimacy with overwhelm, with not being enough, with losing myself. When you reach for me, sometimes it feels like I’m being pulled into a space where I’ll be consumed, judged, or found lacking. So I pull away—not because I don’t want you, but because it’s the only way I’ve known to stay safe.
I’ve built walls I no longer want. I’ve become so good at self-reliance that even true love can feel like a threat. When things get intense—when you need reassurance, when emotions run high—my instinct is to shut down, to retreat, to try to solve everything alone. I go to a place of shame. “I’m no good at this relationship thing.” “She’d be better off without me.” I know this makes you feel abandoned. I hate that. I hate that the very things I do to protect myself end up hurting you.
I see now how our patterns have played out. You reach out for connection, afraid of being left. I pull back, afraid of being engulfed. You ask for more; I panic, feeling inadequate and trapped. You get louder; I shut down. And we end up in this painful dance where neither of us feels truly seen, loved or safe.
But here’s what matters most: I want to change. I want to learn how to stay when it gets hard. I want to learn how to need without shame, and how to let you need me without fear. I want to be able to sit in discomfort without running or numbing or shutting down. I want to be able to tell you “I’m struggling” instead of pretending I’m fine. And I want to learn how to reassure you in a way that doesn’t feel like a threat to my autonomy. I want to feel like I’m enough even in the midst of disconnection.
This is not easy for me to write. Vulnerability has never been my native language. I didn’t grow up speaking this language. In fact, if I could muster the courage to do it, I was mocked for sharing how I felt. But this relationship is worth fighting for. You are worth learning how to speak authentically. Vulnerably. Deeply. Even if I learn slowly. Clumsily. Honestly.
Thank you for your patience with me, even when it’s hurt. Thank you for holding on when I’ve pulled away. Thank you for loving the parts of me I still struggle to love.
I can’t promise perfection, but I can promise presence. I can promise effort. I can promise growth. And I can promise that I will keep trying to show up—not just when it’s easy, but also when it’s terrifying. Because you are worth that. We are worth that. This is worth that. And I long for a relationship in which I feel safe, secure and loved.
My deepest love,
John
Note: This WAS my love letter for the first 8 years of our relationship. Through hard work, effort, a growth mindset and persistence, Joree and I learned to evolve beyond our respective insecure attachment styles to a secure attachment style which led to a safe, secure, trusting and loving relationship.
If you’d like to evolve beyond your hurtful, subconscious patterns of attachment to the securely attached relationship you deserve, email me at [email protected], listen to our Love Isn’t Enough Podcast at https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/love-isnt-enough/id1774236475 or visit the Love Isn’t Enough site at https://LoveIsntEnough.net.