Let’s get honest, because you deserve the truth told with love: so many of us—especially women, high-achievers, caregivers, and those who were taught to keep the peace at all costs—struggle deeply with setting boundaries. We’ve been conditioned to believe that saying “yes” makes us kind, generous, and lovable. That “no” is selfish. That being agreeable keeps us safe and liked. But here’s the catch: constantly putting others first, especially in your most intimate moments, can quietly erode the very connection you’re trying to preserve.
And it’s showing up in the bedroom.
A recent study found that over half of women identify as people-pleasers, and yes—this includes how we show up (or don’t) sexually. We say yes when our body says no. We perform instead of participate. We swallow our desires, our needs, and even our voice—because somewhere along the line, we learned that our truth was “too much,” or that someone else’s comfort was more important than our authenticity.
And that people-pleasing? It leads to resentment, disconnection, and honestly, sex that feels more like a chore than a moment of connection.
How People-Pleasing Is Sabotaging Your Intimacy
1. Saying “yes” when your body says “no”
You don’t need a reason or excuse to say no. Your body deserves to feel safe, respected, and in alignment. When we ignore our inner “no,” we start disconnecting from ourselves and our partner.
2. Performing instead of participating
Sex isn’t another box to check off your to-do list. It’s an opportunity for presence and connection. If you’re just “getting through it,” that’s a sign you’re not being met emotionally or physically.
3. Fearing your desires are “too much”
Your wants, needs, and fantasies are not wrong. They’re part of your humanity. If you’re shrinking them down to protect someone else’s ego, you’re also shrinking your capacity for pleasure and connection.
4. Resentment quietly builds
You say yes. You smile. You go along with what’s expected. But inside? You’re boiling. And eventually, resentment will either leak out or explode—and neither is great for intimacy.
5. Losing connection with your authentic self
You can’t have deep intimacy without being fully present as you. If you’ve learned that parts of yourself aren’t safe to share, you’ll always be holding back.
And here’s a heartbreaking truth: a recent study found that when women perceive their male partner to have “fragile masculinity,” they are significantly more likely to fake orgasms, feel anxious, and avoid honest communication. Protecting someone else’s ego at the cost of your own authenticity? That’s not intimacy. That’s emotional labor.
So, How Do We Begin to Break This Pattern?
Here’s what I gently but firmly recommend:
#1. Get curious about where this came from
You likely didn’t learn people-pleasing in your adult relationships—it started long ago. Maybe love or approval felt conditional. Maybe your needs were dismissed or punished. You adapted in order to stay safe. But that version of you doesn’t need to run the show anymore.
#2. Start setting boundaries, lovingly
You don’t need to start with a dramatic “no more sex ever” statement. Begin with the little no’s—skipping plans you don’t want, speaking your truth even if your voice shakes. Then build to: “I’m not in the mood tonight, and I don’t need to apologize for that.”
#3. Shift from external to internal validation
You don’t need gold stars, approval, or permission to honor your needs. Ask yourself: What feels true to me right now? And then respect your own answer.
#4. Have the conversations you’re avoiding
Yes, talking about sex can be awkward. Vulnerable. Maybe even terrifying. But these are the conversations where real connection begins. The more you talk, the more normal it becomes. You don’t have to perform anymore.
#5. Detach your worth from how much you give
Your value is not tied to your sacrifice. You are worthy of love, connection, and great sex simply because you exist. Not because you contort yourself to keep the peace.
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Want to Go Deeper?
Dr. John and I did an episode of The Evolved Caveman Podcast called “The People Pleaser’s Plight: How To Stop Feeling Too Guilty”—and it’s one of my favorite conversations we’ve had.
We identify the 6 core areas people-pleasers struggle with:
Trouble setting and keeping boundaries
An overactive guilt reflex
Avoidance of conflict
Fear of being alone
Suppressed anger and resentment
Not even knowing what your needs are anymore
These patterns don’t define you. But they do deserve your attention, your compassion, and your intention to change.
Because here’s the truth: the most fulfilling relationships—emotionally and sexually—come from safety, honesty, and mutual respect. Not guilt. Not obligation. And definitely not shrinking yourself to avoid discomfort.
Want better sex? Start by reconnecting with yourself.
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Join our Relationship Master Class where we go deep every month on essential topics like conflict, communication, anger, sex, appreciation, attachment styles, and more:
[LoveIsntEnough.net](https://LoveIsntEnough.net)
Ready to stop people-pleasing and start living fully? Explore my 1:1 coaching and courses at:
[JoreeRose.com](https://JoreeRose.com)
️ Tune in to The Evolved Caveman Podcast for honest, real talk with heart:
[TheEvolvedCaveman.com](https://TheEvolvedCaveman.com)
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You are worthy of taking up space.
You are worthy of speaking your needs.
You are worthy of love, joy, and radical self-respect.
Let this be the moment you stop performing and start coming home to yourself.