What if I told you there was one small, meaningful shift you could make in your relationship today that could change everything—your connection, your communication, even how seen and valued you feel?
Well, there is. And it’s not expensive. It doesn’t require years of therapy. It starts with something beautifully simple: learning to turn towards your partner instead of turning away.
This concept comes from the amazing work of Drs. John and Julie Gottman, pioneers in understanding what really makes love last. They discovered that the difference between couples who thrive and those who end up drifting apart comes down to how often they “turn toward” one another’s bids for connection.
So, What Is a Bid for Attention?
A bid is any small attempt your partner makes to connect with you. It can be as subtle as a glance, a sigh, a comment about their day, or a request for help. It might sound like:
“Ugh, today was so long.” (Translation: Can I share this with you?)
“Do you like this outfit?” (Translation: Do you see me? Do I matter to you?)
“Wanna sit next to me?” (Translation: I’m craving closeness. Can you meet me here?)
And every time a bid is made, we’re given a choice: we can turn towards it—or turn away.
Turning Towards: The Heart of Connection
Turning toward doesn’t require grand gestures. It simply means acknowledging the bid. Showing up. Being present. It’s a smile. A “Tell me more.” A warm touch on the arm. A “Hang on, I want to hear this.”
And here’s what’s wild: the Gottmans found that in happy relationships, partners turned towards each other 86% of the time. In unhappy or divorcing couples? Only 33%.
That’s a huge difference—and it’s made up of these tiny moments we often miss when we’re distracted, busy, or emotionally checked out.
Why This Matters So Much
When bids for attention or affection go unanswered—especially repeatedly—it creates subtle micro-fractures in the relationship. Over time, it builds resentment, disconnection, and emotional loneliness. It’s not usually the big blowups that lead to a breakup; it’s the thousands of missed opportunities to connect.
And let’s be honest—sometimes, the biggest blocks to connection live in our hands: our phones, our laptops, our endless distractions.
But here’s the beautiful part: every single day is a chance to start responding differently.
How to Start Turning Toward Your Partner
Tune In: Get curious about what your partner is really asking for beneath the surface.
Stay Present: Resist the urge to multitask. Let the moment matter.
Respond Gently: A small word of acknowledgment goes a long way. You don’t have to drop everything—just let them know they matter.
Try asking yourself throughout the day:
“Am I turning toward or away right now?”
“How would it feel to have my bids received with love?”
A Few Examples to Spot Hidden Bids:
Bid: “Wanna help me with the dishes?”
Translation: Can we spend time together? Can I feel supported?
Bid: “I had a weird dream last night.”
Translation: I want to be heard.
Bid: “Did you hear about what happened at work?”
Translation: Let’s connect. Be in my world for a second.
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It’s Simple, But Not Always Easy
This kind of presence takes intention. But when we shift from irritation to curiosity, from distraction to connection, something beautiful happens. We rebuild trust. We feel seen. We feel like a team again.
And here’s the truth: you don’t need to be perfect. Just better at noticing. Better at showing up. And more committed to turning toward your partner in those small, sacred moments.
Start where you are. Love doesn’t grow in grand declarations—it grows in eye contact, shared laughs, gentle touch, and the words, “I hear you.”
You’ve got this. And if you need support building these connection skills, I’d love to walk alongside you.
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For deep relational growth and couples counseling support, visit:
[LoveIsntEnough.net](https://LoveIsntEnough.net)
For women ready to feel whole, joyful, and fully self-connected:
[JoreeRose.com](https://JoreeRose.com)
️ For powerful insights with heart, check out my work with Dr. John on
[The Evolved Caveman Podcast](https://TheEvolvedCaveman.com)
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You are worthy of connection.
You are worthy of being turned toward.
Let’s start there.